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[04 Jan 2005|08:12pm] |
We sat together on my bed. I was at the head of it, purple blanket drapped over my shoulders, and he was at the foot of it. My unicorn was sitting on his lap as he plays with its rainbow mane. The only thing in between us is a box of chocolates. A piano piece is playing in the background as his eyes fall to my bedsheet. His eyes have lost their warm color. There is something he keeps mumbling about but I can't hear him for the life of me. When I ask him to speak up, his eyes dart up at me. He didnt know he was speaking aloud. A look of embarassment and pain has crept across his face. The only thing I can think of to do is reach out and stroke his cheek. He holds it under his cheek bone for a moment, his eyes closing.
As the piano swells, not meaning to create irony, I pull my friend close to me. His head rests on my heart. My fingers get tangled in his hair as his breathing becomes labored. Its easy to tell that he is holding it all in, but I do not say a word. Making a statement on that would only cause him to close up more. If the need arises, and it will, he will tell me why this is happening. For a few moments, we sit there as the music takes over the air. Breathing in the music notes and watching the melodies drift by, his lips part and he starts to speak.
By the end of his tale, his eyes are bright red and swelled from the tears that had fallen from his eyes. Streaks of pain are running down his cheeks and he is clinging to my shirt. It takes him a moment to realize what has just happened and how far he had come. My eyes softly watch him. Fatigue has overcome him but still he lays against my chest with his eyes wide open. He sees right through my walls to something outside. I wont let go of him tonight.
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[29 Dec 2004|02:26am] |
His eyes burned into the back of her neck as she stood at the ballet barre. She pretended he wasnt there as she continued with her exercises. He wasnt there if she didnt turn around. Slowly, he moved closer to her. With each step he took, a knot lodged itself in her stomach. Her focus went to the guitars in her unlikely choice of cool down music. His eyes focused on her pink leg warmers. His arm glided around her waist as she bent sideways towards her toe. The music swelled around them and she wished it would wisk her away. His embrace was too much for her to handle. She was all flooded with emotion and did not know what would come of it.
The music sounds familiar..
As she closed her eyes, taking her leg off the barre, his hand stroked her cheek. A calming touch that made the knot tighten.
Why are you here?
Turn and look at me...
Slowly, she turned but her eyes fell to the ground. This small ballerina was so lost in front of him. He towered over her, watching her like a wounded bird. The lofty guitars were the only sound. She fidgeted with her lavendar skirt, waiting for him to be the first one to speak. The memories of certian moments cascaded over her and she wrapped her arms around his waist. He stroked her hair drawing her in close.
I hate you for doing this to me...
Come home.
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[22 Dec 2004|08:45pm] |
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mood |
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waiting with bated breath |
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I wish I was faking this. I wish that when you ask me how everything is that it wasnt a lie when I tell you that I am perfect. The sick thing is, I love to like to you and I love it even more when I get caught. It twisted how I love when you are screaming at me and I just soak it up like sugar water. Your eyes bug out from screaming at me so much and I am doing all I can to keep from laughing. My mind tunes you out as you rant and rave about every little aspect of the lie. Did it take you this long to figure this one out? Holy shit, you are stupid. You never check up on my stories. I'd think that time would tell you to do so. How fucking stupid are you? It's even easier this time around. My favorite part of the addiction is about to come. Oh go on, give me your worst. I revel in it.
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[19 Dec 2004|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 listless |
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How many times a day am I going to reapply this eyeliner? How many times am I going to stand in front of this mirror and judge myself? Maybe I should call Suzie. Where is the headset to my phone? She will make it better. She can make me laugh. Her parents hate me but we have been friends for 16 years. Fuck them. Im not losing one of my best friends to them. Hope she picks up. Its been too long. Her father picked up. I hate him but Im sicky sweet and fake as I ask for her. The asshole better not listen in this time. Good, she's here and I heard the phone click.
"How has life been?" I ask.
"Fine," is all she replies with.
All of a sudden she is rambling about research and band practice. We talk about trying to cram everything into 24 hours a day. Part of the way through, my mind kind of wanders off. I have no idea what she is talking about and she is going too fast for me to keep up. She just trails off when we get to a certain subject. Time to rethink calling her. Maybe we really dont have anything to talk about anymore. Yet another person to drift away from. Its startng to feel like we are in mourning. But over what, I do not know. So we just sit in silence for a few minutes. She barely replies when I lie and say I have something to go do. I'll call her tomorrow and make plans to see her. We cant let go that easily.
Right now, Im starting to miss something, but I dont know exactly what. Maybe its a feeling, or maybe its a person. I really cant figure out which. The urge to write has died. I think its time to hit "post entry" now..
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| Did I say that I loathe you? |
[17 Dec 2004|09:29pm] |
He was not who I thought he was. I thought it was going to be different. Before we became attached, he was the sweetest. Now I want nothing more than to run away from him. Its not supposed to be like this. Its not supposed to be a chore to talk to the one I love. He isnt supposed to make me want to run from a room and just hide.Private is better, we act differently there. His tone of voice cuts into me deeper than any wound from a knife ever could. We knew each other so well. We just didnt know how the other was in relationships. Im starting to wish I never found out. Its all tarnished now.
Why can't he come back? He isnt gone but he isnt here. He sits in front of the television as I sit in the fucking kitchen. Everyone once in awhile, he'll tug me onto his lap and nuzzle me. Sadly, I live for that moment. Those five fucking minutes when I am all he needs. How pathetic is that? And the sick thing is, I met someone new. But I dont know if my feelings for this person as just a transference of my feelings for him. Its all ruined. I cant.. nevermind. I wont go into that. This was a mistake.
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[05 Dec 2004|01:43pm] |
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I cant tell you half the things I want to say for the fear of being cast off. I cant tell you about how many times you have ripped my heart into at least 15 pieces in a single sitting. Now you have me here and you wont tell me a thing about any of this. You never really hid things from me. And now I am just something that was passed around. I look destructively for love in what I know to be all the wrong places. They all tell me they can hear it in my voice. I have got to find a new way of disguising it. A new intonation that covers all the hints of despair. What did I just do? No one is going to make you go away. Like I said, you will be there until the day I die. Hopefully that metaphorically comes sooner than later. The emotional long distance relationship is starting to happen. Everyday there is a new “city” in between us. The cynicism of it all slowly strangles part of my spirit, the only type of strangulation I don’t like. I missed out. My turn at bat has past because I was too busy looking up at the sun. But the clouds have come and took you away, leaving the sun to burn into my retinas. The other one tries so hard to fix me. He has seen the worst of this; he has been let in to what you once were. It is not a lie when I say I want you to be happy. Please don’t ever think that. But in order for me to be happy for you, a few tears must spill from my eyes.
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